


Lost Girl, Lost Again

by lonely_no_more



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Family Angst, SnK 102 spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 08:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13609584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonely_no_more/pseuds/lonely_no_more
Summary: Returning to Paradis was not filled with joyous triumph as she would’ve imagined back in training.There was no joy in war.There was no winner in war.





	1. Chapter 1

Returning to Paradis was not filled with joyous triumph as she would’ve imagined back in training.

There was no joy in war.

There was no winner in war.

There was only the side that had the “strength” to overpower the other and it was they who wrote history and decided who the victor was.

Mikasa was saddled on her own horse, trotting slightly ahead of the wagon that held a shackled Eren. Armin was sitting with him; he was supposed to be watching Eren but she knew he would be talking to Eren instead. She couldn’t bring herself to speak to him much outside of their exchanges back in Marley. Her heart was broken for what felt like the millionth time.

The boy who had saved her, who had watched as titans invaded their home and killed hundreds, had turned around and done the exact same thing.

Had it been soldiers, Mikasa would’ve understood. Had it been government officials, she would’ve understood. But it was the sight of the mangled bodies of  _children_  that had churned her stomach. Some of the children were likely part of the same Warrior program that Annie had described. But if they hadn’t undergone the shift between human and titan, in her eyes, they were still innocent. They were unable to fight back against titans themselves.

Upon arriving back in Paradis, Mikasa led the way back to the compound that housed the entirety of the Scouting Legion’s main body. After taking her horse to the stables, the young captain escorted Eren to the holding cells. She held his arm tightly and refused to speak for fear of losing her composure. Annie was on duty as guard for the cells and when she saw Eren in cuffs, her eyes widened. However, she didn’t voice her surprise and instead asked flatly, “Which security level?”

“Maximum,” Mikasa replied before Armin could speak. Her chest was getting tighter but she still managed to stay quiet as she followed Annie to the high security cells. She left the shackles on Eren and sat him down on the low cot before turning and shutting the cell door.

“Mikasa-” Eren began.

“Your meal will arrive in the evening. Two meals a day. Someone will come and let you know when your trial will begin,” she interrupted. And then, without another word to the man she had called brother, Mikasa left.

As she left the jail, she paused momentarily at the desk where Annie was on duty. “What time is your relief supposed to be here?”

“I’m coming up on twenty-four hours here pretty soon. Relief should be here around six,” Annie replied quietly. She glanced up at her lover worriedly. “Are you going right to your room?”

Mikasa’s eyes fell to the floor and she nodded, the look almost soulless. “Yes. I need to get cleaned up.” As she headed down the hall, she murmured, “Maybe I’ll be able to scrub this feeling off my skin…”

Annie watched, arms crossed over her chest as Mikasa trudged down the hallway. A sick feeling settled in her gut and as soon as her relief arrived, Annie went to Mikasa’s room. One of the perks of Mikasa being a captain was that she got her own room which allowed Annie the privacy to visit when she liked, without interruption. However, she was surprised to hear the shower still running. Worry grew to full-blown fear and she hesitantly knocked on the door. “Mikasa?” When there was no answer, Annie entered and was met with the sight of Mikasa sitting in under the running water, hugging her knees with head bent. “Mikasa.”

The captain didn’t respond but Annie knew she had been heard when she saw Mikasa’s body begin to quake and she instantly realized that Mikasa was crying. Annie rushed over and turned the water off before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around the brunette. Mikasa’s crying was mostly just heart-wrenching sobs but she at least was responsive enough that Annie was able to get her dried off and dressed in clean nightclothes. Finally, they were laying in bed with Mikasa curled against Annie’s chest, clinging to the shirt and comforting and familiar scent that always lingered on Annie’s clothes. “I’m sorry,” Mikasa finally managed to say, a hiccup following her apology.

“Mika,” Annie began, “you have nothing to apologize for.” She rubbed Mikasa’s back gently, murmuring, “It’s all right.” The blonde wanted to ask what had happened that Eren would be in shackles- other than going AWOL- but stayed quiet about it, knowing that Mikasa would talk when she was ready. 

“He’s going to be tried for war crimes as well as going AWOL,” she whispered. 

Annie’s eyes widened yet again. “War crimes?”

“Do you remember  _that_  day?” Mikasa asked hoarsely. 

She didn’t have to ask for clarification. Annie knew what day Mikasa was referring to. Softly, she replied, “Clearly.”

“Imagine that…except everyone was gathered in one concentrated area…” the captain said.

Annie felt her heart begin to sink. “You mean that Eren…”

“Killed so many people.” Mikasa began to cry again, turning her face sharply against Annie’s shoulder, hoping that the pressure against her eyes would stop the tears from coming. “He killed children.” Her grip on Annie’s shirt tightened and Mikasa sobbed, “What he did was irredeemable. He turned around and did exactly what Reiner and Bertholdt-”

“I…was part of it too, Mikasa…” Annie muttered. She still hated herself for that day. She hadn’t known, at the time, that she had inadvertently caused her future lover to lose her  _second_  family. 

Mikasa snapped, “But you didn’t rub it in our faces!” She could feel Annie grow tense and Mikasa immediately recoiled. “Besides…you didn’t feel any real dedication to the mission itself. You just wanted to complete what you had been sent to do and go back home.” 

They laid in silence for a time as Mikasa’s breathing began to steady and her trembling slowly started to subside. After a little longer, Annie murmured, “I can’t believe Eren would do something like that…I know he wanted to destroy all the titans but…it seemed like he wanted to do it so that no one would have to live in fear anymore. But from what you just said…it’s like he did it out of malice.”

“I…don’t know what to think anymore…he saved me so long ago because he didn’t want to see me get hurt. But now he’s done something I could never fathom doing,” Mikasa whispered. Her voice was raw from crying and her eyes were red. She felt drained and hollow. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t know either…” Annie admitted. She pressed her lips to the crown of Mikasa’s head. “It’ll be ok. I don’t know how. But it’ll be all right in the end.”

Mikasa’s smile was weak. She looked so much older than she was in that instant: instead of a captain in her early twenties, she looked like a weary old soldier who had seen too much and won little. And, in war, Annie knew that there was no way to win. 

There was only a temporary facade of peace. 

But she hoped that together, they’d no longer be lost. Then again, maybe they should be lost together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie does what she can to help Mikasa while simultaneously dealing with how Eren's actions affected her.

After about a week, the full details of what happened in Marley had trickled down to Annie.

Mikasa had gotten progressively worse and her lover was getting increasingly worried. The young captain had emotionally withdrawn, with the exception of uncontrollable fits of sobbing in Annie’s arms. Not only that but Mikasa had gotten a migraine nearly everyday, causing her to be on almost constant bed rest. 

The blonde was eventually given leave to care for Mikasa, with strict orders from Hanji to report any disturbing behaviors that arose. Annie agreed and wrote down what information that Mikasa would give. 

Which led to the earth-shattering conclusion that Annie had feared. “Eren shifted and ended up fighting the War Hammer Titan  _right there_?” 

From her spot resting on Annie’s shoulder, Mikasa nodded and mumbled, “Yes. So many of us were in the dark on where Eren had been. It wasn’t until we had infiltrated Marley that we learned Eren was even there.” Her voice was weak with exhaustion. The migraines had interrupted Mikasa’s sleep for the week solid and when she did sleep, Mikasa would wake in the middle of a night terror. “But they fought there. Rubble fell everywhere, crushing children and everyone else who had been there.” 

“It’s...still so hard to believe,” Annie murmured. 

Back when she had first encountered Eren, he hadn’t impressed her much at all. He was weak compared to herself and paled in comparison to Mikasa. But as she listened to him speak, felt his conviction, it was almost like she saw hope in the world- for something better than war. 

Now, however, it was gone. Her hope, the admiration and jealously she had felt because of Eren’s honest desire to change the world for the betterment of humanity, was shattered. 

Worst of all was knowing that the small sliver of a chance to see her father again was gone forever. She wanted to wait until Mikasa was better or at least sound asleep before she went to interrogate Eren. So as soon as the brunette had finally passed out from exhaustion, Annie tucked her in carefully before sneaking out of the room. Her stride was long and full of purpose as she felt her confidence boosted by anger. 

Connie was on guard and he sat up as Annie approached. “Annie, what are you-”

“I need to talk to Jaeger.”

He immediately went quiet. “Annie, he isn’t supposed to get visitors. The only people allowed to see him are commanding officers-”

“I need. To talk. To  _Jaeger_ ,” she growled. She felt bad for the way she was trying to intimidate Connie; Annie would apologize the next day by treating him to a decent breakfast or something. 

The young man glanced around and turned to unlock the door. “Ok but be quick. I don’t want either of us to get in trouble.” He watched as the blonde entered and quietly added, “I’m sorry. For what it’s worth.”

She glanced back at him briefly and muttered, “So am I.” Then, she began her trek to the maximum security cells and came to a stop outside of Eren’s cell. Annie waited for him to look up. “Jaeger.”

“You must be upset,” he mumbled flatly. 

“That’s a bit of an understatement.” She put one hand on one of the bars to the cell and scowled. “What did you do?”

“I’m sure Mikasa told you,” Eren replied. 

Annie’s scowl grew deeper and she snapped, “When she isn’t sobbing or waking up screaming, yeah, she’s told me a little.” She watched his expression waver momentarily before she asked, “Now. Tell me. What did you do?”

He sighed, head leaning back on the dingy stone of the cell wall. “I fought the War Hammer Titan so I could eat him and gain the power.” His eyes drifted back to Annie and he mumbled, “I did what I had to do. There weren’t any choices left.” Eren announced, “Marley is in shambles and Armin is working tirelessly on a  _cure_  for these titan abilities. There’s a few prisoners of war that are being kept in the military police holding cells. They probably see what I did differently.”

“You killed innocent people,” Annie said coldly.

“So did you.”

Annie felt almost as if she’d been slapped. “I only aimed to kill soldiers. They knew what their job entailed. They understood the risks.” She snarled, “I didn’t willingly kill children to cause chaos.” 

“So that’s what this is about,” he answered. “Did Mikasa put you up to this?”

“Mikasa didn’t do anything. She’s passed out right now from being unable to sleep and eat properly for about a week.” She was holding two of the bars in her fists and leaned in. “Because of what you did, she has lost the only family she thought she had left. You abandoned her, Eren.” His eyes widened and for the first time since she had seen him again, Annie though he actually looked remorseful. 

Then, she came to the part that really stung personally. “And I know my father. I know he would’ve been there. He went along with the teachings Marley wanted us to have. You killed my dad. Mikasa told me how few survivors there were.” She felt tears sting her eyes as she hissed, “I can never forgive you, Eren.” Annie pushed herself away from the bars and, as she began to walk away, muttered, “I used to think you were a good man. I used to have hopes because of you.” 

The walk back to Mikasa’s room- after pausing to apologetically pat Connie on the shoulder- was draining. She entered as silently as possible, seeing Mikasa still curled up on her side in bed. Annie stripped out of her uniform and settled in behind her lover, draping an arm over Mikasa’s waist. Her heart nearly stopped when she heard her whisper, “You went to see him, didn’t you.”

“I’m...certain that Eren killed my father. He would’ve been at whatever event brought together Marleyans and dignitaries.” Annie tightened her arm around Mikasa’s waist and pressed her head between her lover’s shoulderblades. “I never thought I’d have a great chance of ever seeing him again,” she confessed, tears finally beginning to fall. “But I still hoped...” Annie waited as Mikasa rolled over and, for a change, clung to her instead. The pair was cuddled up under the blanket that Annie had bought because the ones provided by the military were “shit-tier rags,” as Annie had so eloquently put it. 

Mikasa pressed her lips to Annie’s forehead, knowing her partner had complicated feelings over the situation. “I know it’s hard for you...” She slipped her hand into Annie’s hair, still somewhat impressed by the blonde woman’s decision to grow it out. ‘ _Opposites again_ ,’ she mused to herself. “What did he say to you?”

“He isn’t the Eren I remember,” Annie admitted quietly. It hurt to think about it. She had once admired Eren’s conviction. And at this point, it was beginning to feel like he was no better than Reiner and Bertholdt in her eyes. Annie paused when she felt Mikasa’s fingers brushed over her cheeks. “Sorry. I know it’s harder for you.”

“It isn’t harder for me,” she replied, “Eren affected our lives differently. So how it feels to each of us is different. How it feels for me is no more or less than you.” 

Annie snorted, “Don’t try to be all proper right now, Mikasa, we both feel like shit.” Still, she quieted and let Mikasa dry the tears from her face. After quite some time, the blonde woman murmured, “We’re gonna get past this. Right?”

“Of course we will,” the captain confirmed. “Let’s get some sleep. We’ll try and figure things out in the morning.” She offered a weak smile as Annie nestled against her. “I hope I can sleep tonight.”

“I hope so too. But, if not, I’m here.” Annie tapped a kiss to the little hollow of Mikasa’s throat before shutting her eyes. She could only hope that somehow they’d move forward.

And she hoped that Mikasa could rest without waking in fear of being left alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the trial approaches, Annie begins to see Mikasa act like it's all ok. When, really, she knows it couldn't be further from the truth.

It took a month for the trial to take place. 

As the days progressed, Annie began to notice Mikasa withdrawing. She suspected it might happen but it still was hard to see.

However, it wasn’t until the day of the trial was announced that Annie noticed Mikasa started to  _act_  normal to everyone else. It terrified her. Because she saw what was going on behind the strength that everyone else saw. 

Mikasa was going through the motions, even offering hollow smiles and a forced laugh or two, just to get through the day. But then, when she went back to her room, Annie would find Mikasa curled up under the water of the shower. Annie wanted to cry every time she found the woman she had once called a ‘beast’ looking so  _broken_. 

She was beginning to come to terms with the loss of the person Eren had once been. He could’ve been a friend. She could’ve even seen him standing up with Mikasa should her and Mikasa get married. But now all of it felt like a far off dream. It was helping Annie to actually talk through things with Mikasa. Usually, Mikasa would break down in tears but after listening to her talk about how she perceived Eren’s actions, Annie found herself understanding her own hurt over the situation. Granted, there were several times that Annie found herself crying after Mikasa had passed out from exhaustion.

Most heartbreaking, to Annie at least, was realizing the Mikasa had gotten exceptionally worried about the state of their relationship. The captain seemed to constantly be concerned about whether or not Annie was still happy with her and whenever their duties for the day were finished, Mikasa didn’t want Annie out of her sight. And they had always been a very physically affectionate couple- they both loved the sensation of just holding hands or cuddling. But Mikasa would cling to Annie with every chance that came up. Annie began to suspect that Mikasa was afraid of losing Annie herself. Or afraid of Annie leaving. 

They were both hurting. And Annie could only hope that they’d be able to get through it. She had also noticed that Armin wasn’t acting the same. He too had become withdrawn and spent more and more time flinging himself into researching a cure for the titan abilities. On the odd occasion that she did see him, he would only talk a little. He looked so much older than only being nineteen. 

It felt like the entire war had aged everyone. But Annie especially felt it. After emerging from the crystal, and having lost her titan ability because it had put her into such a long stasis that the power moved on, she felt older. She had to wonder who her ability had chosen.

Then, finally, the day of the trial arrived. Annie was getting dressed for the day when Mikasa finally emerged from the bathroom. She didn’t want to mention that she had heard Mikasa getting sick, seeing as Mikasa already looked like she felt awful enough. When her lover sat down on the edge of the bed next to her, Annie reached over to wrap an arm around Mikasa’s waist. “You don’t have to go. I can take your statement and read it to the court instead.” 

“No, I have to go.” Mikasa sighed and rested her head in her hands. “I think that when it’s over...I want to come back here and just try to sleep.”

“Sounds like a decent plan,” Annie murmured. She got to her feet and just before she was about to urge Mikasa up, a knock sounded at the door. 

Levi stepped in and glanced at Annie before turning his attention to Mikasa. “C’mon. The trial starts in ten minutes.” His voice briefly softened as he asked, “Will you be all right to stand up in court?”

Mikasa nodded, hands falling away from her face as she stood to her full height. “I’ll be fine. Let’s just get this over with.” She followed as Levi left, feeling somewhat comforted by Annie’s presence at her side. Quietly, she said, “I’m afraid.”

Annie asked, “Why?”

“What if they sentence him to death?” Mikasa replied. Her voice was getting hoarse already. 

She contemplated what to say. Part of Annie thought that it would be well within the rights of the court to give such a ruling. Yet, she knew that even though Mikasa was upset over Eren’s actions, Mikasa still felt attached to the boy who had saved her and given her the strength to fight. Annie almost wanted to deck Eren in the face for the pain he had caused Mikasa. 

The trial, however, was much more somber than she had initially thought it might be. Eren was shackled before the judge and looked emotionless. Mikasa felt her chest get tight; everything hurt. And the trial had only just started. The judge was given the details about the war. The passiveness of his face was impressive to Mikasa. He looked utterly unperturbed as he listened to the grotesque details. However, then, the body count was given.

“Seven hundred and ninety-three dead,” Levi reported. “Three hundred and fifty being military personnel. Four titan shifters were detained and currently reside in solitary confinement within the military police barracks with a joint security detail of both Scouting Legion and Military Police members.”

A frown finally crossed the judge’s face and he inquired, “This does not account for the other four hundred forty-three casualties, Lieutenant General Ackerman.” He leaned forward slightly. “Who accounts for the remaining casualties?”

Mikasa stood and stated, “Captain Mikasa Ackerman, your honor.”

He nodded. “Proceed, captain.”

“The remaining casualties were civilians.” A hush fell on the court room and Mikasa could feel the tightness in her chest worsen. She swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat and continued, “There were three hundred and six adults.” Her eyes fell to the floor and she clenched her fists at her sides.

“You may sit down, captain. I can gather who the last victims were,” the judge responded. He looked at Eren and asked, “To one count of absence without leave, how do you plead?”

“Guitly,” Eren replied.

“Do you know what the  _Protection of Civilian Persons in Time of War_  convention is?”

“Yes.”

The judge scowled. “How do you plead to the accusation of its violation?”

Eren answered quietly, “Guilty.”

Mikasa’s knees buckled and she began to fall; Annie thankfully caught her in time and pushed her back into her seat as the woman began to cry. Nausea came in waves to Mikasa and she shut her eyes to try and prevent the swimming of her vision. She clung to Annie, managing to remain primarily quiet as she cried. 

“Your sentencing will be held a week from today. For now, you are placed under solitary confinement by order of the court for absence without leave and the war crime of the willful slaughter of civilians.” As the gavel was struck, a security detail approached Eren and lifted him to his feet, walking him out of the court room and back to his cell. 

Meanwhile, Annie waited until most of the others had filed out before she picked Mikasa up and carried her back to their room. It garnered a few odd looks but when they saw how distraught Mikasa looked, nothing was said. Finally, back in the safe haven that was their room, Annie sat on the bed with Mikasa securely in her lap.

Though she had expected that Eren would be found guilty, it was somehow still surprising and heart-wrenching to hear him plead guilty. She rubbed Mikasa’s back as the taller woman trembled. Softly, she murmured, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her eyes stung with tears. Annie could only continue to try and calm Mikasa down. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa is still barely keeping it together. But after talking to Armin and then to Connie, Annie realizes that Eren's actions might not be what they appeared.

While they were waiting for Eren’s sentencing, Annie finally got a chance to see Armin leaving the lab he had been holed up in for nearly a week solid. “Hey,” she greeted, pausing her stroll down the hallway. Annie was on her way to see Mikasa and get her lunch, knowing that Mikasa had no doubt neglected to get food.

Armin raised his eyes to look at her and for some reason, it never ceased to amaze her how he had changed. He looked older. Just like all of them. But his eyes held a different message. They nearly glowed. The blonde man smiled tiredly and replied, “Hey, Annie. Going to check on Mikasa?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Knowing my luck, that pain in the ass probably forgot to get herself any food.” Annie rolled her eyes when Armin gave her a knowing look. “Ok, look, I know for a fact that she’s been skipping meals. She’s not taking care of herself.” The former titan shifter rubbed the back of her neck as she sighed, “I just wish we could all move on...but I know it’ll take a while.”

“Mikasa was hit by it hard though,” Armin murmured. The both stood in silence for a time before he said, “There were survivors.” When Annie looked at him in shock, he clarified, “Part of the Legion stayed back to help them gather supplies.”

“Supplies for what?”

He paused before announcing, “Well, to come here. As refugees.” 

Annie stared at him in disbelief. “The Legion is bringing back survivors from Liberio?” When Armin nodded, the blonde woman felt her chest ache and her eyes fell to the floor. “They’re really being brought back as refugees? Not as prisoners?”

“Yes. Mikasa and I...we...know what it’s like to lose everything. To lose your home and be displaced, with nothing left but your name and the clothes on your back. We didn’t want them to be left behind at the mercy of Marley.” He rubbed his arm and murmured, “Sasha stayed back with the others to help manage their safe passage.” After a moment, he reached out and gently touched Annie’s shoulder. He was much taller than her now. Just shy of Mikasa’s own impressive height. Armin offered a small smile and said, “You’d better get going and check on Mikasa. She really needs you.” 

While Armin walked away, leaving Annie to watch him disappear around a corner, she felt some glimmer of hope rise in her gut. It wasn’t something she wanted to hope for too much. She allowed herself to smile and she got going, heading immediately to see her lover. Mikasa was, unsurprisingly, back at her desk and managing individual reports from the mission, making sure there was an accurate record of everything. Mikasa looked up when she noticed movement and smiled, tiredly, upon seeing Annie. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” Annie replied softly. She walked around the desk to drape her arms over Mikasa’s shoulders, hugging her gently. “You didn’t get any food again, did you?”

“Ah...you caught me again,” Mikasa joked. 

Annie put her hands on her hips and looked at the taller woman sternly, watching the smile fall. “Mikasa, you can’t keep doing this. I know it’s tough and I know you don’t feel like eating but you  _have_  to.” She sighed and let her arms fall before leaning in and kissing her lover’s forehead. “I’ll be right back.” 

Mikasa began to get out of her seat when Annie stepped away and asked, “Where are you going?”

“To get you food, duh,” Annie responded. She sighed and shook her head. “I love you, Mikasa, I don’t want to see you starving yourself.” There was a pause before she added quietly, “I don’t want to lose you.” 

“You know you won’t lose me though,” Mikasa protested quickly, almost in a panic.

“Not emotionally but I mean physically. Mikasa, you’ve been losing way too much weight and if you don’t eat, you won’t be able to sustain your muscle. And that could make me lose you,” she explained. Annie watched a look of guilt settle on Mikasa’s face and it tugged at her heart to see it. “I...hate to sound so selfish. But if you can’t muster the strength to live for yourself...please. Please do it for me.” 

Her lover nodded and murmured, “Ok. I can do that.” Mikasa looked hopeful when Annie smiled at her and it eased some of the worry on Annie’s mind. 

She headed towards the chow hall to get Mikasa some food; Annie knew it would be decent at least with Connie on kitchen duty. The blonde got a small bag with a bit of meat and bread, unsure of how any dairy would settle on Mikasa’s stomach. She smiled as Connie handed it over to her. “How’s she doing?” he asked softly. 

“Not eating like she should but I’m fixing that,” Annie replied. 

“Good,” he chuckled. Connie’s expression grew sad. “I bet it’s hard for Mikasa...but maybe this will make it easier for her to let go when he-” The young man choked on his words. “Passes.” 

It was like being struck. Annie’s eyes got wide and she murmured, “Connie, you’re incredible, you know that?” 

She rushed out, bag of food in hand, leaving Connie to stare after her in confusion. “Th-thanks...?” he mumbled. 

* * *

 

Once she got back to Mikasa’s office and delivered the food, she stated, “I want to run an idea by you, if that’s all right.”

Mikasa took a bite of the meat and hummed quietly. “What’s up?” 

Annie waited for the captain to eat a bit more before she spoke again. “Do you think that what Eren’s done...will make it easier for you to let go when he dies?” She was glad that she waited because it instantly made her lover freeze, dropping the piece of bread into her lap. Annie averted her eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

“N-no, it’s all right...” She sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I...would say almost...but that’s not quite true. Despite the atrocities that occurred, I still want to believe that Eren was only trying to end the war as fast as possible...”

The blonde woman nodded slowly. “Mika...what if that’s why he did all this?” She looked at the captain seriously and murmured, “What if all of this was so he could make things easier for everyone when he dies?” 

Mikasa’s eyes widened and her lover could see tears gathering in the corners of those grey eyes. “Do you...do you think that’s it...? Was Eren trying to make everyone lose their emotional connection to him that way it would hurt less when he...” It suddenly made much more sense to her. After saving her and repeatedly putting himself on the line to save others, it wouldn’t be like Eren to target a large gathering of innocent people that included children. Mikasa rested her head in her hands. “I was so angry...”

“You had reason to,” Annie soothed. 

“But I-” Mikasa startled a little when the blonde grasped her wrists, jolting her to look at Annie. 

Her eyes were narrowed dangerously as she stared Mikasa down. “Mikasa, when you got there and saw what happened, you didn’t know what Eren was doing. None of us knew where he was or what he was doing.” Annie raised her hands to cup Mikasa’s cheeks softly. “Listen to me. You can’t be angry at yourself for how you felt. That’s what he wanted. Eren wanted you to let go. I...think he thought that maybe it would help you to move on.” 

All of it was speculation on Annie’s part. She couldn’t be sure. But it seemed probable, knowing that even though Eren would lash out at Mikasa for being over-protective, he did still care. ‘ _In his own stupid way_ ,’ Annie mentally added, put out by the way Eren acted back then. 

“I...I don’t know if I could talk to him yet...I don’t know if it would be easier to accept right now before I’ve had time to get hopeful if that’s not really the truth...” she whispered, the tears finally starting to fall. She shut her eyes and let Annie gently pull her close enough to kiss the tears away. “I really don’t know what to do...”

“I thought you were an Ackerman, you  _always_  know what to do, right?” Annie teased, quoting Mikasa from a previous conversation. She smiled when it made her lover snort with a laugh. “That’s my Mika.” 

The brunette captain smiled, still feeling insecure but comforted by Annie’s care. “Y-yeah...” She leaned into the blonde woman’s embrace, feeling relief when the lithe arms encircled her. 

Annie gently rubbed the captain’s shoulders and sighed, trying to think of what to say. “Give yourself a day or two to think things over, ok? You’re already exhausted; I don’t want you to push yourself too far right now. You...you’ve still been getting nightmares. You’re not eating regularly...you need time. You need time to get on your feet again.” She pulled back to kiss Mikasa tenderly. “Please.”

Mikasa nodded and sniffled. “Ok. I’ll keep trying.” 

“As long as you’re doing your best, you’ll be ok,” she murmured in response. Annie kissed her once more before she brushed her fingers through Mikasa’s hair. “And I’ll be right here for you.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's sentencing goes just about as well as Mikasa could've imagined. And then they finally talk. But not before Annie gets her say.

The sentencing was something that Mikasa had been dreading. She got dressed with shaking hands, putting her uniform on and fumbling a couple times because of how badly she was trembling. Despite Annie’s best attempts, the captain was still running on minimal sleep and had trouble keeping food down. Mikasa nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand on her lower back but calmed down, realizing it was Annie. At the look she was given, she muttered, “I’m sorry. I’m still...”

“I know,” Annie interrupted gently. She reached up and brushed Mikasa’s bangs into place, smiling when this caused her lover to lean into the contact. “Mikasa...I know that today is going to be hard for you. There’s no guarantee that the judge will consider anything except a death sentence.” 

Mikasa nodded, taking Annie’s hand and pressing her cheek against Annie’s palm. “I know that. But I still have to try. Eren is still the person who saved my life and gave me the will to live when I had lost everything...” 

“I...think you give him too much credit sometimes,” Annie muttered. “He urged you to fight and live but there had to be something in you that wanted to live in the first place for him to bring out.” She brought her other hand up so that she was cupping Mikasa’s cheeks. “You’re strong, Mika. You’re so strong and you’ve got a good heart.” Annie smiled up at her, tears starting to gather in her eyes. “I still think you’re a pain in the ass that knows too much sometimes-” That got a small snort out of the captain and a weak smile. “- but you’re one of the purest people I’ve ever met. Don’t forget that. Or else I’ll kick your ass so hard that you’ll never be able to forget it.” 

Like the last time, Levi came to see if Mikasa was ready. “Don’t do anything reckless,” he warned. His gaze softened a bit as he added, “I know you want to save him. But don’t put yourself in more jeopardy than you need to.” 

“Understood,” she responded automatically. 

He shook his head. “I’m serious, Mikasa. It isn’t worth it in the long run.” 

“I still have to try,” Mikasa stated quietly. “I know now that he isn’t all I have left...” She felt Annie slip her hand in hers and smiled, feeling secure. “But he’s still my brother.” 

“You’re too stubborn for your own good, you know that?” he muttered. When Mikasa only nodded, he sighed again and said, “All right, well, c’mon. Let’s get going then.” 

* * *

 

She could feel her heart pounding as everyone filed into the courtroom. Eren was, once again, shackled in the center. Mikasa felt her anxiety rise, along with a wave of nausea. Beside her, Annie gently took her hand once more and squeezed, trying to soothe Mikasa’s fear. They glanced at one another and smiled weakly. “It’ll be fine, somehow,” Annie whispered. 

“I can only hope,” Mikasa replied quietly. Once the judge had taken his seat, everyone sat down and the sentencing commenced. 

“Eren Jaeger,  for absence without leave and the war crime of the willful slaughter of civilians, you have plead guilty. Do you maintain your admission?” the judge asked. 

“Yes,” he answered, tone flat. 

“Then, based on your admission of guilt and the severity of your crimes, I hereby sentence you to de-”

“Wait,” Mikasa interrupted, getting to her feet quickly. “Please wait, Your Honor.”

The judge frowned but inclined his head. “Yes, Captain Ackerman?” 

“I...would like to propose a deal. Jaeger could still be quite useful, as he has the Founding, Attack and Warhammer Titans. At present, we hold all nine of the titans. If Jaeger is sentenced to death, his titan abilities will be passed on to new people and we won’t necessarily know who they are,” Mikasa pointed out.

“The rest of your deal, captain?” 

Mikasa squared her shoulders and announced, “I will put my promotion on the line. If Jaeger does anything untoward again, I would lose my promotion and likely be incarcerated.” 

His brows rose marginally and he asked, “And you’re willing to risk that for someone who has committed such an atrocious war crime?”

There was a short pause before she replied firmly, “Yes.” 

Eren, though silent, looked stunned. He didn’t turn to look at Mikasa but could feel her eyes on him. He glanced up at the judge, who seemed to be pondering the terms. Then, the man stated, “I can agree to these terms on a few conditions.”

“Yes, Your Honor?” Mikasa asked. 

“Eren Jeager is to be kept under direct supervision of Lieutenant General Ackerman at all times. He is not to be left alone at  _any_  time. There will be a twenty-four hour watch on him, including someone to watch him while he sleeps. In the event anything happens, both of you will be seized and held in contempt of court. You, Captain Ackerman, will immediately lose your rank and be imprisoned for whatever time is fitting of Jaeger’s transgression.” He leaned forward in his seat. “Do you agree to these terms?”

“Yes, Your Honor,” the captain answered. 

He slammed his gavel down and stated, “Very well then. Eren Jaeger is to be released into the custody of Lieutenant General Ackerman. Court dismissed.” Before he left his podium, he looked at Mikasa and muttered, “I hope you don’t regret your decision, captain.” Then, he walked out.

Annie got to her feet and put a hand on Mikasa’s back. “Are you all right?” she asked worriedly. 

“I’m...suddenly very drained,” Mikasa whispered, looking every bit as exhausted as she felt. She was beginning to follow Annie out of the room, guided gently by her lover’s hand on her back, when she heard her name being called. When she looked over, she saw Eren looking at her in confusion. “What?” she asked. 

“Why did you do that?” he retorted. 

“How about you don’t fucking question it and be thankful that she sees a goddamn thing in you?” Levi growled from behind him. He watched with crossed arms as Eren’s shackles were removed. “One wrong move, Jaeger,” Levi warned, “and I’ll ensure you can’t put Mikasa in jeopardy.”

Eren stared at Levi as he rubbed his wrists, the feeling of no longer being shackled making him stand awkwardly, not knowing what to do. “You seem pretty protective of her.” 

“Most of us are,” Levi muttered coldly. His gaze fell on Annie and he instructed, “Get her back to her room and try to make her rest. She looks ready to drop.”

Annie stared back at him evenly. “As if I weren’t going to do that already.” She shook her head but replied, “I will though, sir.” As she walked Mikasa out of the room, Annie only paused long enough to shoot a glare at Eren. It wasn’t until they reached their room that she gently sat Mikasa down on the bed and cupped her cheeks, pressing their foreheads together as she murmured, “You need to rest, Mikasa, please.” 

“But I need to talk to Eren...” she started to argue. Mikasa stopped when she opened her eyes to see the look her lover was giving her. “Annie, I  _have_  to talk to him.” 

“Not in the condition you’re in,” Annie snapped. “You barely slept last night and you couldn’t even eat dinner last night or breakfast this morning. I am not letting you go talk to Eren when I was lucky to get you out of the courtroom on your own two feet.” Her gaze softened. “Mikasa,  _please_. You’re not in any condition to do much of anything else. The sentencing nearly took you off your feet again.” 

Mikasa’s jaw flexed but she said nothing, instead lowering her glare and sighing, sounding defeated. “I hate it when you’re right, you know...” 

“You love it, you just won’t admit it,” Annie retorted, her lips curling into a smirk. Still cupping Mikasa’s cheeks, she brought her into a kiss. “Now. Please. Try to get some rest, Mika. You’re not in any condition to do anything except maybe cuddle with me.”  

“Still pretty sure I hate it when you’re right,” Mikasa chuckled. 

“Sure you do,” her lover answered. 

* * *

 

The following days were inconsistent, really. One day, Mikasa felt more optimistic and managed to eat as well as sleep. But the next day, she was back to her insomnia and inability to keep food down. To Annie, it was like Mikasa’s body and mind couldn’t decide if Eren being freed was a relief or not. 

Eren seemed to avoid most everyone, sitting silently while he was under surveillance. Mikasa and Armin weren’t allowed to be his guards because of the conflict of interests. Annie perceived that as a good thing; she didn’t want Mikasa or Armin to be under suspicion if Eren happened to do anything reckless again. 

However, one day, Annie was assigned as Eren’s guard. It was a grand twist of irony, seeing as she had only won back everyone’s trust a short year ago. Yet, she watched, glaring at Eren as he sat in complete silence. After a time, he asked, “Are you ever going to stop glaring at me?” 

“Maybe as soon as you realize that trying to push everyone away has backfired on you,” Annie responded coldly. His eyes raised to look at her and she returned the look. “Thing is, you’ve been pushing Mikasa way for years. And she has  _still_  put up with your stupid ass bullshit.” She growled, “I don’t know how she’s done it. I admired your drive to want to make a difference in the world. But I watched you push away quite possibly the one person in the world who would follow you to the death.”

“Mikasa was always trying to keep me from doing stuff on my own,” Eren replied. His tone was flat. “I’m not some kid that can’t fight for himself. I’m willing to die for what I believe in and I’m even willing to fight dirty if it means the rest of the people within the walls can have a chance at a normal life.” 

At that, Annie brought her feet down from where she had them propped up, slamming them down on the ground as she snapped, “Mikasa was trying to protect the last bit of family that she had after losing her entire fucking family  _twice_ , Eren.” Her glare was intense. “You’re not a fucking idiot but I sometimes wonder. I really do. Maybe you didn’t see it that way but Mikasa was hurt every time you pushed her away, every time she tried to protect you and you snapped at her.”

“Since when did you give a damn about Mikasa? You two used to hate each other.”

“I didn’t  _hate_  Mikasa. I didn’t  _hate_  any of you. I just wanted to do what I had to do so I could go home,” she answered. “We were indoctrinated from the time we could begin to read and speak. All of you were ‘ _Eldian devils_ ’ and ‘ _traitors_.’ I didn’t think much of it. I thought it all sounded like bullshit. The only reason I went along with everything was because that’s what my dad wanted. And while I was here, all I wanted was to go home. Because I knew my time was limited. I knew I wouldn’t live to see twenty-five years old. I just wanted to go home and see my dad and feel like he was proud of me for doing what he had trained me so hard for. So I could see the one person I felt like that loved me in a world where everyone was my enemy.” Annie could feel her chest starting to get tighter with each word. All the words leaving her mouth were much more than she thought she’d ever share with anyone. “Weird thing is, Mikasa and I are more alike than we thought we were. We actually get along really fucking well.” 

“It seems like you’re a lot closer than just ‘ _getting along_ ,’ Annie,” he stated. 

“Yeah,” Annie said, “I’m in love with her.” She got to her feet and headed towards Levi who was sitting nearby with his tea. After speaking with him quietly- quiet enough that Eren couldn’t hear what they were saying, she went back to her seat and watched as Levi walked off. “I asked him to get a new guard. I can hardly sit here without wanting to make you feel so low that maybe- just maybe- you’ll understand the pain you put Mikasa through. The pain you put all of us through.” 

Eren asked vehemently, “Then why care about me anymore? I’m gonna die soon anyway.” 

“You think that people can just stop caring? Just like that? Just because you push them away and do something terrible? You think it’ll make it easier for everyone to let you go so that you don’t feel bad when you finally drop dead?” Annie’s attention was drawn by movement and she saw Levi returning with Connie. Before she moved to leave, Annie muttered, “You think you’re just trying to make things easier for everyone when really, all you’ve done is damage the people who love you.” She marched out, heading directly to Mikasa’s room. All her emotions had just blown up; Annie was still trying to find a balance between holding it all in and letting it all escape in one fell swoop. Years and years of being trained to keep it all in were conflicting with the new mindset of people around her wanting to know what she was feeling and really caring about it. As soon as she reached Mikasa, her eyes were stinging with unshed tears. 

“Annie...? What’s wrong, I thought you were on watch duty,” Mikasa murmured, rising from the bed. She stopped, sitting on the edge while Annie got closer. The captain reached out and wrapped her arms around Annie’s waist, pulling her close and resting her head against her chest. “Whatever it is, it’ll be ok. I promise.”

Annie scoffed, though the sound wasn’t so much angry as it was tired and vaguely amused. “I  _was_  on watch duty. But I got into it with your brother.” She waited for a moment to see if Mikasa would reprimand her but was relieved when nothing was said. “I got angry and told him off over all the pain he put you through. The pain he put so many of us through.” 

Mikasa was quiet but murmured, “You’re right. It wasn’t just me that he hurt. He...hurt all of us. Everyone that cares about him.” She turned her head slightly, resting her ear over Annie’s heart so she could hear it beating. “If he was just trying to make it easier for all of us to let go, he failed. Miserably.” 

They stayed like that for several minutes, Mikasa’s arms wrapped around Annie’s waist with her head resting against her chest and Annie’s arms wrapped gently around Mikasa’s shoulders. Annie ran her fingers through Mikasa’s hair, humming at the softness. “We should go get something to eat, bring it back and just cuddle up while we eat. Then we can talk or read together.” 

“You just want to lay across my lap and read,” Mikasa chuckled quietly. 

“Shush, no one is supposed to know I enjoy cuddling or being soft,” Annie reprimanded playfully. She pulled back slightly so she could cup Mikasa’s cheeks in her hands and tilt her head up so they could look at one another. “Are you still determined to talk to him?”

A long moment of silence passed between them as Mikasa stared back at Annie, apparently mulling her answer over before replying, “Yeah, soon. Not today, I think. But soon. It has to happen soon.” She sighed softly and hummed when Annie bent to press a kiss to her forehead. Mikasa whined and then asked, “Food?”

“Food,” Annie confirmed with a small laugh. 

* * *

 

Finally, Mikasa approached Eren’s room and noticed that Levi was the only one on duty. When their eyes met, he muttered, “Don’t push it, Mikasa. I’m not afraid of your little titan but I don’t wanna try explaining to her what happened if you cry.”

Mikasa only shook her head, chuckling softly. “I’ll be fine. Annie wouldn’t try anything.” She began to head over to Eren when a hand caught her wrist. The action caught her by surprise and she glanced at Levi. “What?”

“I mean it, Mikasa. Don’t push it. You can only take so much with how shitty you’ve been feeling. Annie’s told me before that you’re still not sleeping or eating normally.” His gaze was stern but apparently caring. “If you start to look upset, I  _will_  step in.” 

She nodded and then went over to Eren, sitting in the chair across from him. “Hey,” Mikasa greeted. 

“What do you want to talk to me about?” he questioned bluntly. 

“Why have you been pushing everyone away?” she asked. “Even Armin...” 

Eren stared back at her, his gaze nearly empty as he replied, “I did what I had to so I can make the people of Paradis free. Even if it meant killing hundreds of people.” 

“Even if it meant doing what Bertholdt, Reiner and Annie did to all of us,” she shot back. 

He blinked and muttered, “Yeah. So?”

“But  _why_  when you could’ve had our help? You did all of this without anyone knowing,” she protested. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he answered, “the important thing is that I captured the other titans and now Paradis has a way to defend itself against the rest of the world.” 

Mikasa felt her heart ache. “Eren...” She sighed and ran a hand over her face. “You’ve...changed so much.” This garnered no response, so she tried again, “Eren, this isn’t like you. You used to be so full of...life. Fire.” 

“To change the world, hard decisions have to be made,” Eren retorted. “And those hard decisions change and end lives. Eren Jaeger  _died_  a year ago. The Eren you knew is gone. And now I’m just waiting for the Curse to take its course.” His voice lowered, “I’ve accepted that I’m going to die. With everything I’ve done, it should be enough for everyone else to accept it too.” When he raised his eyes to look at her again, there was no light in his eyes. There wasn’t even a glimmer of the boy that had urged her to live. 

Quietly, her voice unsteady from the growing urge to cry, Mikasa said, “It isn’t. We’ve all done horrible things, Eren, we’ve had to. Just to survive. This world we live in is cruel like that but there’s so many beautiful things to live for. Even if it’s just for a short while.” She got to her feet abruptly and looked at him, her eyes watery and lips trembling. Despite the years, there were still traces of the girl that just wanted to live a quiet life with her parents. “I haven’t given up yet. Neither has Armin. And even though she’s been harsh, neither has Annie. All of us still care, somehow. And we’re still trying to find some way to stop the Curse. I want you to live, Eren. Please. Fight. Fight for your will to live.” 

Without saying anything else, she turned and left in a hurry. She vaguely caught Levi swearing to himself. But everything was a blur until she got to her room. And then, she caught sight of Annie. Everything had built up in her. The tears began to escape and all she could do was whisper, “I thought I was strong. I thought I was strong enough to handle everything.” A hiccup interrupted her, more of a choked breath than a real hiccup. “But I’m not. I’m weak. If it weren’t for my bloodline- and Eren urging me to live- I’d be dead right now.” Mikasa sat heavily in the chair at her desk, head cradled in her hands. The tears were hot against her hands, dripping from between her fingers and falling to the floor.

Annie had a sneaking suspicion that something like this would happen when Mikasa finally did go talk to Eren. She got to her feet and went over, kneeling in front of her lover. “Hey, Mikasa, you listen to me.” Annie took Mikasa’s hands and leaned up to lightly press their noses together. “You are not weak. It might feel like it but you don’t realize exactly how much you’ve endured and how strong you have to be to still stay standing after all of it. It isn’t your bloodline. It isn’t Eren. It’s you. And if you didn’t already have the capacity for it, they wouldn’t have been able to make you near as strong as you are today.” She frowned but didn’t scold her. “You’re strong. You just can’t see it because of how much you’re hurting.” 

“Why do you always say stuff like that?” Mikasa croaked.

“Because it’s the truth and dammit, I’ll tell you how it is,” Annie retorted firmly. Getting to her feet, she gently tugged Mikasa the two short steps it took to get over to the bed. She sat her down and climbed onto her lap, pulling the captain into a hug. “You’ve done all you can for now. The rest is up to him.” 

Her hands slowly and shakily came up to rest on Annie’s sides. “But...”

“We’ve all changed,” Annie interrupted. “We’ve all gotten older. We’ve seen things we can never un-see. And done things we can never undo. The difference is how we handle those things. And how we move forward.”

Mikasa sighed. “Well. Don’t you sound mature.” 

“We both know I’m the mature one in this relationship,” she replied lightly. Annie used her strength, capitalizing on Mikasa’s exhaustion, to swing the both of them down onto the mattress. She kept Mikasa pulled close, cradling her head tenderly. “C’mon. You look like you’re about to pass out.” 

There wasn’t much that Mikasa could say to argue that point. Her exhaustion from the past several weeks as well as how emotionally draining it was to finally get a chance to sit down and talk to Eren had really taken a toll. Mikasa’s eyes were already starting to flutter shut as she lay nestled against Annie. Weakly, her words starting to slur, she mumbled, “I hate it when you’re right...” 

Annie only smiled. “Bullshit.” 

* * *

 

As soon as Mikasa had fallen asleep and was out for at least five hours, Annie untangled herself from the slumbering captain and got up to go seek out Eren again. Levi was still on duty and his brows raised a little when he saw her. “Fuck. Should’ve figured you’d show up. Look, you can’t kill him.” 

“I’m not gonna kill him. I’m gonna see if that son of a fuck actually has a heart anymore,” Annie answered coldly. 

He looked at her with a flat glare. “You can’t rip it out of his chest.” 

She rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Oh my God, look, I’m just gonna talk to him. Happy now, Lieutenant General Short Shit?”

“You’re shorter than I am,  _titan_ ,” he hissed. Still, he didn’t look truly angry. Levi sat back in his seat and let out a frustrated sigh. “Look, just don’t do anything crazy or rile him up. It probably wouldn’t make Mikasa very happy either.” He lowered his eyes from the ceiling and back to Annie. “Understood?”

“Understood,” she replied. As she approached Eren, she noticed that something about him looked a bit different. She stopped just short of him and questioned, “Well, finally pull your head out of your ass?”

“What do you want, Annie?” he grumbled. 

“I want to know if you’ve finally started to realize that we haven’t given up on you.” 

He eventually raised his head to look at her and, sure enough, Annie saw something different in his eyes. “Why not?” 

Annie rolled her eyes and groaned, “Jeez, you’re still dense, even after all these years...” She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. “Mikasa still thinks of you as her brother.” 

“She sure didn’t when she brought me back here. Mikasa barely even looked at me.” He lowered his eyes again. 

“It’s been weeks, Eren,” Annie retorted sharply, “and if she didn’t still think of you as her brother, she wouldn’t have put her ass on the line to keep you alive.” She added, “Besides that, Armin thinks he’s getting closer to a cure. There’s just...something missing.” 

Eren’s attention slowly rose again. “Something missing?”

“No idea what. He said that the cure isn’t stable enough yet,” she muttered. 

He scoffed quietly. “I doubt that it would even work at this point. My body is already deteriorating.” 

“Boo fuckin’ hoo.” Annie stood away from the wall and started towards the door. “We haven’t given up on you, Jaeger. You can keep going with your little pity party and keep pushing everyone away but someday, the people you push away  _will_  leave. And you can’t act all betrayed when it finally happens because it’ll be your fucking fault. Just remember that.” She headed back towards Mikasa’s room and sighed, running a hand over her face. Annie was tired. Trying to balance everything between her own work, getting Mikasa to actually sleep and eat, as well as occasionally stepping in to help Historia had drained Annie.

Oddly enough, when Annie slipped back into the room, Mikasa was still out like a light. Apparently having that talk with Eren had taken everything out of her. Especially since it was the first time that Mikasa and Eren had really actually talked since the night that Mikasa brought Eren back to Paradis. Annie stripped out of her gear and clothes, crawling back into bed with Mikasa and cradling the captain’s head to her chest. Pressing a kiss to the top of Mikasa’s head, Annie whispered, “Sleep well, love.” It didn’t take her long to doze off either. But Annie’s thoughts were still on what might unfold through the following days with the knowledge that maybe- just maybe- she’d helped sow the seeds of change in Eren’s thoughts. 


End file.
